New year resolutions have always been set every beginning of a new year. The big question is whether we actually achieve those goals or we set ourselves up for failure. Speaking of failure, I spent a lot of time over thinking and procrastinating this post because of the fear of failure. Do you ever feel afraid of setting goals because you are scared you might not achieve them and it will make you feel awful? That’s how I felt. So no Im not posting goals. Im just going to share how I plan on living my life this year. From 2018, you might notice from my blog that I started doing some inner work; self evaluation, some self development. Life has been great but the fight is far from over. I’m happy that I feel way better about myself than I did a year ago. A year ago I needed to be validated by others, today I know my worth. The fact that I’ve been procrastinating to post this blog post means there’s still some work needed to be done.
Through faith I have gained strength to face up to the things I had been overlooking, things that were screaming for my attention for years and I understand now, even though I get impatient at times, that it probably is going to take years to rebuild all that had been broken inside of me.
For some people this may not make sense at all. I believe that there are a lot of people who may find this relatable.
So I am focusing on digging up deeper.It is about shedding off all the dead skin and beliefs about myself that corrode rather than make me more of a beautiful soul.
All the trauma from childhood, because that’s where it all stems from. The emotions that come up when I think about my parents are extremely overwhelming. Sometimes I fear that my brokenness could also impact my own children. That’s far from what I want for them hence I am doing all that I can to build myself up. Taking care of kids is way more than buying stuff they need and making sure they eat. The time you spend with them is much more valuable than anything tangible you could give them. I still crave for my mother’s love and I understand that I may never get it from where Im expecting to find it. I’ve also tried searching for the love that could fill my parent’s love from places that were just not as fulfilling as I thought they would be. So I am far from perfect.I still haven’t really figured out how to juggle 2 babies. My 5 year old is now trying his best to present himself but in ways that really get on my nerve but I understand it must not be easy for him because he was the only child not so long ago. On the other hand my almost 3 months old princess is super needy, all she want to do is to be with her mom every minute she’s awake. You may notice too that Its midnight as Im posting this, the only time I get to have with myself. I need me too right! 😊
I may sound like someone who blames my own parents about my own struggles, but I’ve also come to realise that they did what they thought was best for us even though we may not have understood as we were growing up. So I decided to forgive them.
I do remember when my sister(bless her resting soul) and I were still young and we stayed with my granny. She gave us all the love a mother could give but it was never the same because she still wasn’t our mom. Then my aunt took me in, she is like the best; One person I never want to disappoint. I loved them both but they still weren’t my mom.
So I hope you realise how much effort has to be done to try and correct the past because thats how we heal. Today my mom is very close with my son, Ange. I admire that relationship. Even if I tried to fix things with her I wouldnt know where to start. Healing past traumas for a brighter and more peaceful future is what Im focused on. Also with the help of God, Im not only grateful that it was revealed to me that I needed to do this but also grateful that God is part of it all.